I’m no stranger to a big breakfast.
In fact, during my student days in Cardiff, a sizeable fry up was a standard part of recovery after maybe having one too many beers the night before.
But nothing could have prepared me for what I faced at Ramon’s in Cathays this week, as I became the latest person to take on their colossal Titan breakfast challenge – nine years on from WalesOnline’s first attempt, which you can read about here.
The challenge – which contains a staggering 57 items – requires participants to polish off eight rashers of bacon, eight sausages, eight fried eggs, six hash browns, six slices of black pudding, a pound of mushrooms, a pound of fried potatoes, a huge omelette, tomatoes , baked beans, three vanilla pancakes, four slices of buttered bread and another four slices of fried bread or toast.
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If that’s not enough for you, you can wash it all down with a pint of orange juice and a piping hot mug of tea, with the entire ensemble costing £35.
To complete the challenge, win your money back and get a spot on the wall of fame, you must single-handedly finish the lot in under an hour – that’s right, an hour – with no bathroom breaks.
It’s estimated to contain an astonishing 8,000 calories, more than triple the recommended daily intake for men, and four times the suggested intake for women.
Unsurprisingly, in the 10 years that the challenge has been running, though plenty have tried, nobody has ever completed the mammoth breakfast.
Could I be the first to take down the Titan? Armed only with a healthy appetite and an acute sense of trepidation, I headed to Ramon’s on Salisbury Road to find out.
When I arrived I was greeted with smiles by the cafe staff, who clearly knew they were about to watch a man lose his dignity and his toned physique in one fell swoop. A buzz of activity from the kitchen was clearly audible as the chefs began to assemble the gargantuan feast.
Even as a man who enjoys his food, I was nervous – and those nerves only intensified as seven plates of food were brought to my table, including one the size of a tea tray that was brimming with meat, eggs and beans.
It took three people to carry the food from the kitchen to my table
(Image: Richard Swingler)
“Nobody has ever done it,” warned cafe owner Claire Thomson. “Lots of people try it and no one has really got close – so good luck!”
With that, my hour of gluttony got underway, but I wasted a good 30 seconds trying to comprehend the amount of food that lay before me, as well as working out my plan of attack.
I gamely loaded my fork up with sausages and bacon, throwing in an early egg and hash brown for good measure. The hash browns (in my opinion, the best part of any fry up) were delicious, beautifully crisp on the outside and soft and savoury in the middle, but the fact that there were six of them to get through meant I couldn’t enjoy them for long.
I ploughed on, taking down the tomatoes, beans and mushrooms with little bother, but after 20 minutes, I could still barely see any of the plate and I’d hardly made a dent in the mountain of sausages, eggs and bacon in front of me.
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The most off-putting element was the battlements of bread that surrounded the fortress of the main plate. With the fried bread and bread and butter, there was a whole loaf’s worth to get through, but I couldn’t bring myself to get started on the bready mountain.
By this point, punters had turned to watch me struggle through the breakfast feast, with some cheering encouragement while others stared open-mouthed at a man shovelling a weighty forkful of beans into his already-too-full mouth.
The mountain of food was never-ending
(Image: Richard Swingler)
A frankly unnecessary portion of extra bread
(Image: Richard Swingler)
I was also able to read comments from WalesOnline readers via a Facebook livestream, and you offered plenty of helpful tips.
“Make sandwiches with the bread,” said one commenter. “Keep it moist with the beans and tomatoes,” wrote another.
“Just eat it,” was the most popular pearl of wisdom, however. Noted – thanks guys.
At the half hour point, the clock was heavily against me, and there were still parts of the breakfast I had barely touched. I managed a few mouthfuls of the enormous four-egg omelette (bringing my egg intake up to 12, if you’re keeping count), and a few measly fried potatoes – but I knew I was in trouble.
Even with half of the sausages, eggs and black pudding out of the way, all I was doing was finding more food underneath, and the meat sweats were starting to kick in as I began to feel more and more full.
Gorgeous
(Image: Richard Swingler)
I looked over at some of the other tables, and saw customers happily munching their way through much more reasonably-sized breakfasts. Even the Belly Buster breakfast – which contains roughly half of the items that I was facing – looked appealing at this stage.
As I began to flag, the livestream comments turned nasty.
“My six-month-old daughter eats faster than you,” wrote one disgruntled viewer. “Never seen anything so half-arsed in my life,” said another.
“This is the most painful thing I’ve ever watched,” came another scathing remark.
After taking a short break to wipe away my tears and the bean residue around my mouth, I sat nursing the pint of orange juice I’d been neglecting while I contemplated the life choices I’d made that had led me to this point.
I feebly poked at what little remained – okay, half of the plate – and took a few desperate bites of the vanilla pancakes, which were really sweet and light – a welcome contrast to the onslaught of meat and carbs I’d faced for the last three-quarters of an hour.
A broken man
(Image: Richard Swingler)
But I knew deep down – as did the cafe staff and the livestream viewers – that it was over. I’d hit the wall hard, and my dreams of becoming a champion eater had faded completely.
With just under 15 minutes of the challenge remaining, I threw in the towel (or napkin) and sat head in hands, my jaw and stomach aching and my pride considerably dented. I received a very generous round of applause from customers and staff as I called it a day, but I couldn’t help but feel disappointed after bottling it in such spectacular fashion.
“You did very well,” said Claire. “I struggle with a mini breakfast, let alone something like that, I could never do that. Most people get to the point that you got to and realise they can’t go on. so I wouldn’t feel bad at all.
“Now, would you like a doggy bag?”
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